


Iktsuarpok

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [15]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, troubled childhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 21:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2323034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Ash remembers when someone posted a photo of him drawing a butterfly on the girl’s wrist on Twitter, and Ash remembers that that was when the trouble started.'</p><p>
  <b>Ashton waited his whole life for something big to happen but, when it does, maybe things aren't as great as he always imagined.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Iktsuarpok

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kittenmichael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenmichael/gifts).



> Not sure how well I incorporated the title into this story but I gave it my best shot. This fic has just been on my mind for a while now.  
> This is angsty as fuck, like even worse than most of my other fics I think, so yeah... good luck with that...

**iktsuarpok**

_an Inuit word that describes that feeling of anticipation that leads you to keep looking outside to see if anyone is coming_

 

Ashton Irwin remembers when he typed out the hardest message he’d ever had to write in his life.

‘ ** _Calum,_**

**_I’m sorry. I guess that’s the only thing left to say now. I can’t do it anymore and that… that thing on Twitter has only confirmed what I already knew. You guys don’t need me. I’m not even a proper member. Not really. I’m just the drummer. Or was, I guess I should say._ **

**_Cal, if you’re reading this (and I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t) then it’s already too late. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. There’s too much, it’s too hard, and I’m too tired._ **

**_I hate to ask this of you but… please… tell mum and the kids I love them. I… I can’t face that. And please tell Luke and Mikey that I’m sorry and… and Calum Hood… please know that I didn’t do this to hurt any of you. It will be better this way, I promise._ **

**_I’m so glad I met you, Hoodster. You made life worth living for a while. Thank you for that._ **

**_And one last thing, Cal, since I’m not planning on sticking around to say it._ **

**_I love you – more than anything in the world… and I’m so sorry I had to tell you like this._ **

**_Love you always,_ **

**_Ashton xxxxxxx_** ’

Ash remembers when he hit send.

*

Ash remembers how _happy_ he was as a kid.

He remembers how he was always smiling as his mum let him help her bake in the kitchen or his dad taught him to ride his bike or surf. Ash remembers how his mum let him pick Lauren’s outfits out for her (even though his dad disagreed with that for some reason that the little boy hadn’t been able to understand at the time) and Ash remembers how warm and soft Harry felt when he got to hold his baby brother for the first time.

Ash remembers how his friends at school thought he was _hilarious_ and how all of the teachers _loved_ him because he always made them laugh. Ash remembers how he was good at PE and how that _more_ than made up for his English lessons, and he remembers how his grandparents bought him his first drum kit and how he promised to pay them back (and Ash remembers how _good_ it felt, almost a decade later, when he finally managed it).

Ash remembers how, for the most part, the Irwin family were happy.

Ash remembers how that wasn’t always the case.

He remembers when, one morning, he woke up for school in year six and his dad had gone. He remembers how Lauren was sitting watching television with Harry, both of them unaware of the fact that their father had done a little _more_ than just left for work early, and Ash remembers how his mum was crying silently in the kitchen and the way Ash didn’t know what to do.

He remembers how he fought to keep his bottom lip from wobbling as he clumsily made breakfast for his little brother and sister before school. He remembers how they ate it happily enough in front of the television, and Ash remembers how he poured his mum a glass of juice afterwards because he wasn’t supposed to use the kettle, and Ash remembers her watery smile as she pressed a kiss to his cheek and murmured: “ _Thank you, Poss_ ”, just like she always said because Ash had big, wide, brown eyes like a possum, at least according to his mum.

He remembers how she asked him to give Harry a bath that night while she made dinner and supervised Lauren doing her homework, and Ash remembers how that was the first time he had to help out at home because his mum couldn’t _do_ everything alone.

Ash remembers how, every evening after his siblings were in bed, he’d go downstairs and sit on the window seat behind the curtains so that he could look out into the dark. He remembers being able to hear the television playing faintly on the other side of the reddish material as his mum unwound in the evening, and Ash remembers how he would press his cheek to the cool glass and just sit and _wait_ there, although _what_ he was waiting for he couldn’t have said.

Ash remembers how, as he got older, he got given more responsibilities.

He remembers how, on the way back from his first year of secondary school, he had to collect Lauren and Harry from their separate after-school clubs. He remembers how he had to get them both home safely and make them dinner because his mum was working late.

Ash remembers how he had to do the washing and make sure they had a bath and finished their homework, and then he had to do all of his _own_ homework and shower and make the lunchboxes for the next day, and all of this before his mum returned home, gave him a fleeting kiss on the cheek, and Ash left for his part-time job at the KFC which was a short bus ride away.

Ash remembers how he didn’t really have any _friends_ anymore because, naturally, they all wanted to go out and _do_ stuff, and Ash barely _ever_ had any free time. He remembers how, when he miraculously _didn’t_ have anything to do, he just wanted to _sleep_ because he felt so drained all the time or play his drums (except he wasn’t allowed to do that much because his family complained about the noise so it was only on those _very_ rare occasions where everyone else was out).

Ash remembers how it felt quite a lot like he was losing control.

He remembers how he used to lock his bedroom door and lean against the cold radiator – the heating bill hadn’t been paid again because his mum was still trying to insist that things were okay and was buying _treats_ for her children instead of necessities – and Ash remembers how he used to pick up the tiny blade from an old broken pencil sharpener he had.

Ash remembers how he used to cut to feel control, so many beautiful, straight lines that the inside of his wrist and forearm was utterly covered with them. He remembers how ordered and _neat_ it looked as the blood beaded out of the cuts, and Ash remembers how he used to climb up onto the windowsill afterwards and sit there vacantly, almost _numb_ , as he watched the cars pass by outside, waiting without knowing what he was waiting _for_.

Ash remembers how he started to hate himself then… and he remembers how he only got worse from there.

*

Ash remembers how, as his brother and sister got older, things changed.

He remembers how Lauren got bullied at school and how Harry started to get embarrassed of being walked to and from school so he insisted that he be allowed to go alone. Ash remembers how the horrible kids at Lauren’s school quickly got bored and stopped, luckily, but how it still played on Ash’s mind and worried him a lot on those nights where he simply sat by the window in the dark and waited.

Ash remembers how he lost his job at KFC – the official story was that a customer had made a complaint but Ash remembers _knowing_ it was just because he was young and he drummed his fingers on the counter a lot which had apparently annoyed a lot of people. He remembers how _stupid_ that was and how he gave this weird nervous _laughter_ when they told him they were “letting him go”, and Ash remembers walking home in the rain and starting to worry because they _needed_ the extra money.

He remembers how his mum hugged him when he told her and promised that it didn’t matter, that Ash had done the best he could, but Ash remembers seeing her worried face in the mirror and realising that it was actually kind of important.

Ash remembers how he got a job at a video shop instead, and he remembers how monotonous it was, remembers how much he _hated_ that damn job, and he remembers how the cuts spread to his other wrist too, and then both thighs, and he remembers how he started to play the drums more and stopped working on his coursework so much.

Ash remembers how he scraped out of secondary school with every grade a C and he remembers being _pleased_ with that because it meant he could probably get a decent enough job. Ash remembers how he was thinking about being a painter or something as he walked home with his results, and he remembers how his mum told him: “ _Well done, Poss_ ” and how it didn’t actually make him feel any better.

Ash remembers how he spent _all_ of that night sitting by the window, refusing to let himself fall asleep even when his eyes were beginning to slide shut as he sat upright. He remembers jerking awake every time and how, each time he woke up, the feeling of anticipation was stronger than ever.

Ash remembers how he sat there, utterly immobile, for _hours_ , watching… _waiting_ … and he remembers how, finally, it paid off.

He remembers how this boy walked along outside, the hood of his jacket down as he paused to check something on his phone before he started to walk again. Ash remembers glimpsing dark eyes and even darker hair before the boy suddenly hesitated, pausing, almost like _he_ was waiting for something too.

Ash remembers when the boy’s eyes suddenly flickered to his, up in his bedroom, and Ash remembers how he blushed in the darkness as the boy mouthed something at him.

Ash remembers how confused he felt – he hadn’t been able to lip read back then, he remembers – and he remembers motioning for the boy to wait and opening his window with a creak. He remembers how he gripped the edge as he leant out and hissed: “ _What_?” so that he didn’t wake up his family, and Ash remembers how the boy’s cheeks seemed to darken suddenly as he cupped his hands around his mouth and whisper-shouted: “Are you the dude who plays drums? I can hear it sometimes. I live over that way.”

Ash remembers how the boy motioned to the next street over and he remembers feeling embarrassed that he’d been playing that loudly, probably in a failed attempt to drown out his thoughts. Ash remembers how the boy hurriedly said: “No, mate, you’re _really_ good! Like, my two friends and I have a band and we’ve been looking for a drummer. Would you be interested?” and Ash remembers how _surreal_ this was even as he found himself leaning a bit closer to jokingly ask: “Do you _usually_ proposition people in the middle of the night?”

Ash remembers how the boy laughed softly then and how _nice_ a laugh it was, how _lovely_ , and he remembers the boy rolling his eyes and saying: “ _Fine_. Point taken. But why are you still up then, if it’s _so_ late?”

Ash remembers how he said: “Waiting” and how the boy asked: “Waiting for what?”, and Ash remembers how he said: “I don’t know.”

Ash remembers how the boy shrugged like that _didn’t_ sound weird and hesitated for a moment before he clambered up onto the low stone wall that edged Ash’s front garden. He remembers how the boy was much closer now since Ash only lived in a _small_ house, and he remembers how the boy grinned up at him and said: “So what do you think of that band idea? I mean, I’d have to check with Michael and Luke –” Ash remembers guessing that they were the other two bandmates but not being _sure_ because this boy seemed to jump from one topic to the next without much warning. “– but I don’t see that they’re gonna say no. I mean, we have a gig in this pub in like three weeks and they’re panicking.”

Ash remembers how he thought that was cutting it _very_ fine – and he remembers how ironic that _stupid_ phrase felt – and then he remembers accepting the boy’s offer without really thinking about it. “Yeah, sure,” he remembered saying. “Sounds good. You want my number so you can let me know what they said?”

“Sure,” Ash remembers the boy grinning and he remembers how he continued to say: “Hey, chuck us your phone down and I’ll add my number so you can text me instead, yeah?” Ash remembers how that sounded _really_ suspicious then – and he remembers thinking vaguely that the boy would either drop it or run away with it (although he might not when he saw how utterly _crap_ the mobile was) – but Ash remembers how, strangely, he trusted him _anyway_ and threw his phone down.

He remembers how the boy caught it reflexively and shot Ash this _grin_ that took his breath away, and Ash remembers how the boy added his number and made to throw the mobile back, and Ash remembers panicking and frantically blurting out: “No, don’t! I can only catch drumsticks!” and he remembers how much the boy _laughed_ at that, especially when Ash had to creep _all_ the way downstairs so that he could open the front door and get his phone back that way.

He remembers how the boy was actually a few inches taller than him from down there and a _lot_ cuter than Ash had first realised, and the older boy remembers suddenly being _incredibly_ self-conscious of the old sweatpants and oversized t-shirt he’d worn in place of pyjamas before the boy touched the top briefly, grinned, and said: “Nirvana. Cool.”

Ash remembers how he said: “I’ll text you so you’ve got my number. I’ve gotta go now” because he was _feeling_ things and he was frightened they were going to show on his face, and he remembers how the boy got the message and grinned, giving Ash this awkward pat on the shoulder before he waved and walked away, only to trip over on his way out of the gate.

Ash remembers how much that made him laugh as he locked the door, wandered into the living room – there were still glasses and plates left out from dinner and he _really_ needed to wash those and put them away, now that he thought about it, although that could wait until later – and Ash remembers how he opened his contacts, scrolled through and found a new one.

He remembers sighing, smirking slightly and rolling his eyes when he saw **The Hoodster** had been added, along with several weird ninja emojis that Ash hadn’t even realised he could _get_ on his phone.

Ash remembers how he was still smiling stupidly when he opened up a text message to that number and typed out: ‘ ** _Hey, it’s Ashton Irwin, the guy who can’t catch phones. What’s your real name? :P_**’ and he remembers how he got a text back about twenty minutes later that said: ‘ ** _Calum Hood, pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m going home to bed now. You should probably close your window. Wouldn’t want our new drummer to fall out now, would we? (Yep, I just rang them. Weren’t best pleased I’d woken them up so late but they seemed happy enough. Wanna meet you tomorrow apparently. Sound good?) :P_** ’

Ash remembers how he replied with the affirmative, left the boy – _Calum’s_ – name as **The Hoodster** in his phone because it amused him, and went to sleep for the first time in _years_ with a smile on his face (and Ash didn’t even put the plates away after he’d washed them.)

*

Ash remembers how, for the _most_ part, things got better.

His mum had found a job that meant she could work from home more, meaning that she could look after Harry and Lauren without needing Ash to do so much, and that, in turn, meant that _Ash_ had a lot more free time on his hands.

Ash remembers how he was still working at the video shop even though he hated it, and he remembers how he moved his old drum kit to their tiny garage since they didn’t use it for anything else, and Ash remembers how Calum, Luke and Michael came round after they’d been to school almost _every_ day so that they could practise playing together.

Ash remembers how much he _liked_ the three of them, remembers how well they all got on when Ash actually let himself relax (and ignored the sarcastic comments they made about his purple t-shirt because they were just going to have to agree to disagree there.)

Ash remembers how he stopped cutting _completely_ after one fateful day where Luke and Michael had left early and it was only Calum still with him in the garage. Ash remembers how he and Calum were messing around, tossing his drumsticks into the air and trying to catch them, and Ashton remembers how the bracelets on his wrists had slipped and how the drumsticks hit the stone floor with a sharp thud, and Ash remembers how it felt like his _blood_ had run cold when he saw the shocked recognition in Calum’s eyes as he said: “Ashton… w-what’s that?” in a hollow sort of voice.

Ash remembers how he panicked and sat down heavily on the cool ground, pressing his back against the wall and bringing his knees up to his chest. He remembers when he folded his arms on them and buried his face in the crook of his elbow, and he remembers how Calum sat down lightly close by and wrapped his arm around Ash’s shoulders.

He remembers how Calum unexpectedly dropped a kiss onto the top of Ash’s head and spoke fiercely as he said: “Cutting _doesn’t_ make you worthless or useless or whatever _other_ shit you’re thinking right now. Mali used to do that, y’know, and… and I kind of… I think maybe I kind of get _why_ you do it, even if I don’t understand?” Ash remembers how he didn’t say anything at all, simply sat there and tried not to shake apart as he fought to contain his sobs, and he remembers how Calum held him even tighter, almost like he _knew_.

“Y’know you can talk to me about _anything_ , right, Ash?” Calum had asked and Ash remembers looking up slowly, _knowing_ his eyes were red and wet, and being ashamed of it, and he remembers how Calum gave him this small smile and brushed a tear away from his cheek with the pad of his thumb. “You should tell me when you _feel_ like cutting and, like… I can come round and… and you can squeeze my hand _really_ tight, okay? And then I’ll know and you don’t even have to _say_ anything and I’ll distract you, okay? How does that sound?”

Ash remembers feeling utterly _pathetic_ for the hope that flamed in his chest at those words, and he remembers how Calum purposefully took his hand and how Ash gave it the _lightest_ squeeze, and he remembers how Calum gave him this relieved smile and kissed him on the cheek, only to look _shocked_ by his own daring afterwards.

“You’re gonna be okay, Ashy,” Ash remembers Calum saying with warm, earnest, chocolate-brown eyes. “I just _know_ it.”

Ash remembers promising to try.

*

Ash remembers when 5 Seconds Of Summer got _big_ and he no longer felt like he was waiting for something because that _something_ had already happened.

He remembers how crazy it all was, how _insane_ touring with One Direction was, and he remembers the _thousands_ of screaming fans and how they suddenly had _so_ many Twitter followers that it was difficult to even _comprehend_.

He remembers how he missed Australia and his family, remembers all the hotels and their tour bus and the shows every night. He remembers the adrenaline buzzing through him like electricity, like the _best_ kind of drug, and Ash remembers how he didn’t want it to end because _nothing_ could get better than that.

Ash remembers, with hindsight, how that was kind of tempting fate, but he _also_ remembers how he managed to persuade himself that everything was fine because things just _continued_ to get better.

He remembers how they started recording their next album and all of the parties they got invited to and how Calum _kissed_ him once, and Ash remembers how that made him happier than all of their fame _combined_. He remembers how happy Calum made him, remembers being shocked at how happy he made _Calum_ , but Ash thinks the most rewarding part of it all was _easily_ when they met some fans outside once and he met an American girl.

Ash never got her name but he remembers how she told him that he’d saved her life, remembers her showing him the faint scars on the inside of her wrist that mirrored his own, and he remembers how he didn’t automatically reach out to adjust his bracelets when he felt them slip because this _one_ girl believed in him and that mattered to him more than he could understand at the time.

Ash remembers how he signed whatever she’d brought with her and then he drew a butterfly on her wrist over the scars. He remembers how she looked _so_ happy even as a tear slipped out and he remembers giving her a massive hug as the fans around them began to take photographs.

Ash remembers feeling good for the rest of the day – _light_ almost, like nothing could hurt him – and Ash remembers how happy Calum looked, how _relieved_ he seemed, and Ash remembers how even Luke and Michael looked more comfortable too, although they couldn’t _really_ understand because they had only learnt about what Ash used to do once he was _passed_ it.

Ash remembers when someone posted a photo of him drawing a butterfly on the girl’s wrist on Twitter, and Ash remembers that that was when the trouble started.

He remembers how it was just speculation at first, people asking each other: “Oh, did _he_ used to cut too?” and that sort of thing. Ash remembers being _worried_ about it because he didn’t want his family to see, but also aware that he could honestly tell them that he hadn’t done it in years and didn’t feel the need to anymore.

Ash remembers when that stopped being the case.

He remembers when he woke up one morning on the tour bus with Calum beside him, awake but still sleepy as he cuddled close with one arm looped gently around Ash’s waist while he scrolled through his Twitter feed on his phone with his free hand. Ash remembers when Michael and Luke’s laughter from the other room suddenly faded as Michael said something in a low, worried voice. Ash remembers hearing his name.

He remembers instinctively pretending to be asleep when Michael and Luke crept further back down the bus towards the bunks. Ash remembers being _certain_ that his thundering heart was going to give him away and being relieved when Calum never noticed, and he remembers how Luke murmured: “ _Don’t let Ash go on Twitter for the moment._ ”

Ash remembers how his boyfriend snuggled closer to him almost automatically as he asked: “ _Why_?” softly. Ash remembers how Luke and Michael’s faces were hidden from sight by the bunks as they held Michael's phone out for Calum to see, and Ash remembers when he glanced through his eyelashes and saw something that he _swears_ made his heart stop for the seconds while he read the hashtag that was trending _worldwide_ on the social media website:

**#KeepCuttingAshtonYoureTrash**

Ash remembers how everything _stopped_.

*

Ash remembers how _carefully_ everyone treated him afterwards, how _gentle_ and timid they were, like they were scared he was going to _break_ if they spoke too loudly around him or something. He remembers how Calum didn’t want to leave him on his own, remembers how worried and grey-faced Luke and Michael looked as they watched him anxiously.

Ash remembers how his mum rang him up in the middle of the night – she never _had_ been very good at remembering the time differences – and had cried through the phone, gasping out several variations of: “ _I’m so s-sorry, P-Poss. So s-sorry_ ” until she had to go because it was time to take Harry and Lauren to school.

Ash remembers how, for the first time in _years_ , he wanted to cut again.

He remembers how the drumsticks rubbing his hands and making them sore wasn’t enough anymore, remembers how his nails weren’t sharp enough to do any real damage, remembers with a certain degree of bitterness that Calum or one of the others would have seen _anyway_.

Ash remembers how he would wait until Calum, Michael and Luke were asleep at night before he got his phone out and began to scroll through the tag, reading all of the tweets as his heart raced in his chest. Ash remembers reading once somewhere that you’re more likely to remember _one_ insult than one hundred compliments, and Ash remembers how that definitely applied here.

He remembers how he would curl up in the darkness of his bunk – he had told Calum he wanted to sleep alone for the moment, much to the other boy’s sadness and worry – and he remembers how it felt like he was _waiting_ for something again, only this time, it wasn’t something positive.

Ash remembers how he felt the self-hatred unfurling inside him until it was all he had left – a dark, rotten, _empty_ space where every awful thing he’d ever read was left to fester.

Ash remembers how it felt like that was all he had left some nights, and he remembers how it kind of stood to reason that he started cutting again.

Ash remembers how, even after the hashtag finally stopped trending, it wasn’t enough.

Ash remembers how he wanted to die.

*

Ash remembers how, one day a few weeks later, he got the chance.

He remembers how Calum and Michael were doing an interview, remembers how Luke was being dragged off somewhere for outfit fittings because Michael had been taking the piss out of him earlier for it, and Ash remembers how he shut the door to their hotel room’s bathroom and sat down, leaning against the tub. (Ash remembers how he didn’t even _lock_ the door and he wonders if perhaps that was his subconscious trying to tell himself something.)

Ash remembers when he pulled his phone out of his pocket with shaking hands and typed out a text message to Calum. He remembers when he hit send and threw the phone as hard as he could at the wall, making absolutely _sure_ that it broke – (Ash remembers wondering if that was his way of trying to compensate for leaving the door unlocked) – and he remembers how the trembling in his hands just _stopped_ when he reached for his razor, like someone had flicked a switch.

Ash remembers when he cut for _death_ , not control.

He remembers how the lines were vertical instead of horizontal, and he remembers how it felt a lot scarier than when he’d cut before. A lot more _real_.

He remembers how his stomach churned unpleasantly as he saw the blood sliding down both arms in rivulets, remembers how he actually thought he might be _sick_ except he was too faint for that.

He remembers how fucking _frightening_ it felt, remembers how _terrifying_ it was because he really _had_ lost control now and the blood pumping out of his body onto the bathroom tiles which were pressing coldly through the back of his t-shirt wasn’t waiting for _anyone_ – and when had he fallen down onto his back? Ash remembers how he _couldn’t_ remember – and he remembers how there was no one around to help him and how maybe this _wasn’t_ what he’d wanted after all.

Ash remembers feeling regret.

He remembers how an unknown quantity of time had passed and how, _suddenly_ , Calum was kneeling over him, screaming for Michael to call an ambulance as tears ran down his cheeks.

Ash remembers how he could hear Michael’s frantic voice as he spoke into the phone and Luke’s harsh breathing as he pressed towels to the deep cuts on Ash’s wrists in a vain attempt to stem the flow of blood but, most of all, Ash remembers how Calum suddenly looked down at him and saw that Ash was awake.

He remembers how Calum’s heart seemed to break right in front of him as he completely fell apart before Ash’s eyes, and Ash remembers trying to tell Calum he loved him in _person_ and panicking because he couldn’t even get the words out anymore, and Ash remembers how his vision started to go grey around the edges as Calum leant _so_ close that his scent was stronger than the coppery smell of blood.

Ash remembers when Calum’s lips brushed his ear as he gasped out: “ _I l-love you t-too_.”

Ash remembers how this _stupid_ , faint smile touched his lips as he gazed up at Calum before Luke gave a horrified cry because the blood was soaking through the towels and Michael was standing in the doorway looking as white as a ghost and _Calum_ – oh, Calum…

Ash remembers thinking that it was a good thing he _was_ going to die because he would _never_ forgive himself for making Calum look as helpless and _terrified_ as he did then.

Ash remembers when his eyes slid shut and he could no longer feel Calum’s fingers shakily combing through his hair as he tried to comfort the older boy as everything – _finally_ – faded to darkness.

Ash remembers feeling nothing at all.

*

Calum remembers afterwards.

He remembers how he didn’t feel warm anymore, because Ash wasn’t lying beside him.

He remembers how he didn’t want to eat or drink, remembers how the only reason he _did_ do either of those things was because Mikey or Luke made him.

Calum remembers how everything was very _dark_ without Ash by his side.

He remembers how it felt a bit like the sun had gone out.

Calum remembers how they had stayed in their hotel in London after… _after_ … and Calum remembers how Mali came to visit because Calum’s parents couldn’t get plane tickets out, and Calum remembers how he’d managed to keep all of his emotions suppressed until he’d seen his sister, and then Calum remembers how he _lost_ it.

He remembers how Mikey and Luke vanished and how everything went downhill from there really.

Calum remembers how he collapsed onto the bed and curled up in a ball, and he remembers how Mali lay down behind him and wrapped her arms around him like she used to do when they were children, and Calum remembers how hot the tears felt as they boiled over and burnt down his flaming cheeks.

Calum remembers gasping out a desperate: "I c-can't l-live w-without h-him, M-Mali" and the way she made a soft shushing sound as she cuddled him close, pressing gentle kisses to his hot forehead as he sobbed.

"He could still pull through, Cal," Mali had whispered fairly, resting a cool, soothing hand against the hot skin of his forehead. Calum remembers how he could see Mali looking at him over his shoulder in the mirror opposite them, and he remembers how his heart ached as he saw her desperately trying to hold it together.

"Mali, he f-fucking _s-smiled_ when he p-passed out. Even... Even if he _d-does_ wake up, he's s-still going to... g-going to w-want to _d-die_."

"Then you've got to show him that there is still stuff worth living for," Mali had murmured and Calum remembers how she kissed his cheek before adding: "And I think you mean _when_ he wakes up, not _if_."

Calum remembers how he let out a tiny, hopeless sigh then and settled back in his sister's arms, forcing himself to calm down as she stroked his stomach in gentle circles and brushed his hair away from his sweaty forehead with her free hand.

"What if he d-doesn't wake up?" Calum remembers whispering in a voice that was a little bit like a whimper. He remembers when Mali leant around to kiss him on the nose.

"Of course he'll wake up, Cal," Mali had promised, no trace of a lie in her eyes (although Calum remembers thinking that she couldn't _really_ know that, even if his big sister _was_ a tiny bit magic sometimes.) "You _love_ him, Cal, and _he_ loves _you_. He's not going to stop fighting now. He c _an’t_."

*

Ash remembers how Calum's last words to him were the only things he could think of in the darkness.

“ _I l-love you t-too_."

Ash remembers how insane that was, that _somehow_ \- against all the odds - a beautiful boy like _Calum_ had misguidedly fallen in love with... with someone like _him_.

Ash remembers how he was thinking about Calum's words so much that he thought he could _hear_ them sometimes, filtering through the murky darkness like voices through water.

Sometimes Ash thought he could hear Luke and Michael too, and once he even heard what _sounded_ like his mum talking over the phone on speaker as she wept and called him ' _Poss_ ', but Ash knew that couldn't be true.

He was _dead_ after all.

Except... _was_ he?

Ash remembers thinking that people couldn't hear things or see the faintest traces of light through stubbornly shut eyelids when they were dead. People couldn't feel the throb of pain in their wrists or the gentlest flutter of familiar fingertips or lips against their cheeks.

People couldn't feel someone else's tears dripping down onto them as someone they loved more than anything _cried_ over them when they were dead... could they?

Ash remembers how he stayed in that strange limbo for a long time, simply floating in and out of consciousness, never fully grasping it and yet never succumbing to it either as he fought against the relentless pull of the waves, and Ash remembers how nothing changed, not even when he came to the conclusion that he _was_ alive after all.

Ash remembers how it was only when Calum's sister Mali-Koa came to visit him that anything changed.

Ash remembers how she sat down next to what he had taken to presuming was a hospital bed, exhaled shakily and looked at Ash so hard that he could actually almost _feel_ it.

Ash remembers how she traced the veins on the back of his hand lightly, almost nonchalantly, as she spoke, and her voice was decidedly _not_ happy.

"You've got _so_ many people who love you, Ashton Irwin. Did you know that? Did you even _see_ it? I can. It's everyone who's crying now. Your mum and your brother and your sister. My little _brother_. Luke and Michael. Your fans - oh, Ashton, your _fans_. You need to wake up. No hashtag is worth this. The real fans _need_ you. Your family needs you. _Calum_ needs you. And... and he says he can't live without you, Ashton, so... so I guess that means that _I_ need you too."

Ash remembers how hard his heart was racing at that because he'd never got on particularly well with Mali - he didn't dislike her by a long shot and he was pretty sure she more than tolerated him, but they'd never talked to each other alone out of _choice_ before which only made this all the stranger now.

Ash remembers how his accelerated pulse must have shown on the monitor beside his bed because suddenly a small alarm was going off, a steady, shrill beeping that Ash had never heard before, and he felt like he was _sinking_ again and this time there was nothing he could do but drown...

Ash remembers how he was on the point of giving up as he heard shouting and his body jolted on the bed as cold metal was pressed to his chest. He remembers how he was about to let himself go when a face swam before his eyes, so fucking _beautiful_ that it took Ash's breath away.

 ** _Calum_**.

Ash remembers when the beeping returned to its usual pitch and, slowly, the majority of the medical staff returned to what they'd been doing, and Mali was let back into the room.

Ash remembers how her hands were shaking as she gripped his hand and how she sounded close to tears. He remembers how her long, dark hair tickled his face as she leant forwards to whisper in his ear, and he remembers how her words were like a surge of adrenaline, giving him the _last_ push he needed to go in the right direction: "Thank you, Ash. Hold on. Calum's coming."

*

Calum remembers how frightened he felt when Mali left him in the doorway of Ash's private room. He remembers how she gave him a reassuring smile and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, and the way she encouragingly told him: "He'll wake up properly soon. The doctors said so. Don't make him wake up alone."

Calum remembers how that was all he needed to hear as he pushed open the door hesitantly and let himself in. Calum remembers how there was a nurse inside who looked up at him when he came in and gave him a bright smile. Calum remembers watching her noting something down before she straightened up from the prone figure on the bed, her smile cheerful as she said: "We nearly lost him twice but he's a fighter, this one. He's not giving up."

Calum remembers how that was a tiny bit ironic but mostly just fucking _wonderful_ as he returned her smile a little hesitantly before she departed.

Calum remembers how he approached the bed.

He remembers how Ash was no longer connected to any of the monitors or machines. He remembers how his bandaged wrists were tucked up beneath the blankets (and Calum can _still_ remember how much that hurt him to see because was it supposed to be _shameful_ or something?!) and Calum remembers how all of his worries and anger evaporated when he saw Ash's beautiful hazel eyes flutter open to look at him.

Calum remembers how he sat down lightly on the edge of Ash's bed and the way the older boy looked at him with wide, scared eyes beneath curly hair the colour of honey.

Calum remembers how Ash bit his lip nervously and tried for a weak smile, and Calum remembers how he started to cry then, more with relief than anything else, as he gasped out a desperate: "I really, _really_ love you, Ashy. _Please_ never do that to me again."

Calum remembers how Ash feebly tried to free his hand and Calum remembers how much it pained him to see his usually-strong boyfriend so _weak_ , and he remembers how he made a silent vow to look after Ash from that moment on, no matter what.

He remembers how Ash winced as he lifted his stitched arm up, even as he gently touched Calum's cheek with his calloused fingers, hardened after years of playing the drums.

Calum remembers how a single tear rolled down Ash's cheek as he lay there gazing up at Calum, and the younger boy remembers how Ashton opened his mouth to speak (just like he had done _before_ , and Calum remembers shuddering) and breathing out a soft: "I love you too. And I w-won't. I’ll t-try to… to g-get b-better. I'm _s-so_ s-sorry, Cal."

Calum remembers how Ash's voice was sore from misuse and how despite having been out of it for over a _week_ , he still looked exhausted.

Calum remembers carefully lying down beside Ash and stroking his hair gently as the older boy let out a soft sigh, and Calum remembers thinking that maybe things would be okay now, because they had each other after all, and Calum would make sure that Ashton Irwin _never_ felt alone again.

(And that’s exactly what he did.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I keep writing angst, guys.  
> Thanks for reading if you read it though. (Wouldn't blame you if you _didn't_ but... whatever...)  
>  Please leave comments/kudos to let me know what you thought.  
> Cheers.


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